Everyone is Aging Blog

As I have mentioned, the other communities I have stayed in were independent and assisted living and my accommodations included a full bathroom and kitchen. At first glance my room at Keswick seemed to be equal to most hotels I have stayed in. As I was unpacking my toothbrush in the bathroom, I realized that I didn’t have a shower!

This shouldn’t have been a surprise, because I have been to many nursing homes in my career and very few have rooms with private baths or showers. However, I didn’t bring a robe or anything to cover up on my morning march down the hall! Almost like clockwork a staff member arrived at my room with a gown and toiletries for my stay – like I said it’s a little like a 5 star hotel.

In the morning I headed down the hall for the shower. It was a huge shower with plenty of room, no barriers to entry and the ability to adjust the shower spray in any direction imaginable. If I wasn’t in a hurry, I could have spent a lot more time there. I am a huge proponent of Universal Design, while it might not be feasible for showers and bathrooms to be this large, they should all strive to be accessible. It makes it easier for those with all abilities.

It would be easy to take a negative viewpoint on the experience of having to walk down the hall to take a shower.  However, I have stayed in a few upscale bed and breakfasts where I had to do the same thing.

I know that there are some models of care that are focusing on private baths, and I can see how this will be a great benefit to residents, especially those living in these communities long-term.

 

I arrived at Keswick Multi-Care Center this afternoon. This community offers assisted living and nursing care, so I was pleasantly surprised that I would be staying in a skilled nursing room tonight! All of my stays up to this point have been in Independent or Assisted Living apartments so I am excited to say that I have now stayed in the full continuum of care!

I was greeted and shown to my room (Room #G10). Along the way I was introduced to a few staff members. I am staying in a section of the community where most residents are receiving rehab services.

I arrived a little late, but I was able to get dinner in the dining room and talk to a few residents and staff. I have had so many staff ask me if I need anything that I would swear I was staying in a 5 Star Hotel! The difference is that in most hotels everyone is anonymous, in these halls everyone knows each other and refers to each other by name.

I guess it feels a bit like a cross between the Ritz Carlton and my college dorm staying here. I kind of like keeping my door open and hearing the activity in the hallway!

Per my usual, here is a video to check out my “digs” for the night! 

 

I had a brief business meeting that I needed to attend this morning and then I was able to head back to the auditorium to catch the tail end of a fantastic program that links the residents to University of Pennsylvania students. Approximately 25 students from the University of Pennsylvania for whom English is their second language come to The Watermark on a monthly basis. Residents pair off with 1-3 students and they engage in conversation.

The intention of the program is to help the students with their English communication skills – however by the look on the residents’ faces and the enthusiasm of the conversations it’s clearly mutually beneficial. This reiterates that sometimes the best thing we can “do” for our elders (or anyone for that matter) is not necessarily to “do” things for them, instead provide opportunities where they can “do” things for someone else. I have seen first hand how much elders have been able to "do" for me in my travels!

When the program finished the “instructor” had quite a challenge getting the students to stop talking and get them to the bus back to U. Penn. Several of the students brought their cameras and were eager to get pictures with the residents.

 

This afternoon was my first return trip back to Paul Spring for the weekly Friday afternoon happy hour. I was really looking forward to seeing my new friends, but what really had me charged up was that I was bringing my kids with me to meet everyone and they could see where daddy lived!

My kids were talking about it this all week, my wife had shown them the videos I made during my stay, so they were pretty curious. The neat thing about 3 and 5 year old kids is that they have absolutely no concept of what societies definition of what a retirement community is! Little did I know that they had built this place up in there minds to be an amusement park or Chuck E Cheese!

Two seconds in the door and I thought I was in Pamplona, Spain for the Running of the Bulls! Kids will be kids - they definately entertained the residents and staff with their antics, and didnt really slow down the entire time we were there. Fortunately I was able to get at least one photo of us there!

During my time living at Paul Spring,  I was constantly thinking about my wife and kids and imagining what it would be like to have them living with me and being exposed to such interesting people. It was nice seeing a high school student serving food during the happy hour, and a volunteer providing live entertainment. With my kids in tow, it really felt like the perfect place - where people of all ages live and care for each other.

Last week was a wonderful life experience for me. As I have mentioned several times, in an effort to immerse myself as a resident, I separated myself from my family and work during my stay. I tried to share my thoughts on this blog every evening. My connection to the "outside" was every morning when I would wake up and I could review the questions, thoughts and words of support made by blog readers. Many times these were questions I hadn’t really thought of and it allowed me to reflect better on the experience.

Over the next several weeks, I will try to address all the fascinating questions posted on this blog and many I have received via email. By the time I am through with that pile, I think I will have a much better handle on my experience and what lessons we can learn to improve the lives of "everyone that is aging".

If you have any questions, comments, thoughts, or challenges you would like to share please throw them on the pile! You can comment directly on this blog at the end of each posting, or you can email me at steve@proaging.com, or you can call me at 1-800-394-9990 ext. 1118.

If you are new to this blog and my project, I put together a “cliff notes” version to get you up to speed.

Introduction

Click here for my letter to the residents, staff and families of Paul Spring

Video that describes my vision for the project

Preadmission paperwork and screening

These two posts summarize the preadmission process

Admissions

Health Screening

Downsizing

Although I didn’t actually move my furnishings in with me, I went through the process of selecting what I would take and the challenges of dealing with the remaining items. I have several posts that discuss this process.

My new apartment

Advise on downsizing from the National Association of Senior Move Managers

I really like this post on my emotional attachment to my crock pot!

Is the emotion of moving is ageless?

Here is a video that walks you through my house and discusses what will move with me

My new home

An exhausting first day transition (includes video)

It’s not a retirement community, it’s a neighborhood

Getting more comfortable in my new home

Learning with my new neighbors

My observations and emotions around dining

Here is a video shot in the shower of my apartment!

Essay on what I learned

I have been intimately involved with senior living communities and services for the last 20 years as the founder and publisher of Guide to Retirement Living SourceBook. In my career I have visited well over 500 communities, had the opportunity to interview and personally help hundreds of individuals, families, and friends who are making choices. This breadth of experience has given me the title of “expert” in the field of aging.

While I know more about these options than most, I had never experienced what its like to move into one first hand. I began to ponder how I could truly be an “expert” without that important perspective.

I shared my idea with the management of Paul Spring Retirement Community, an independent and assisted living community in Alexandria, VA. I was pleased that although I was technically not yet a “senior” that I would be able to live as a guest for a week in the community.

I wanted the primary focus of my move to be fully experiencing the feelings and emotions that one goes through in making the transition from a home they are familiar with, to one that is unfamiliar. In an effort to immerse myself in the experience I would not have contact with my family, work or have a car in the parking lot.

Gaining a new perspective

The journey began over a month before I was going to make the move. I arrived at Paul Spring to complete the same paperwork and procedures that all new residents complete. Although I was intimately familiar with this procedure, I had never filled out my own name of the application or had seen it from this perspective. I was struck with how much I had detached myself from the overwhelming feelings of going through the process. During this visit I was also taken to my apartment, which I had seen hundreds of times before. However, I had never visualized myself living in any of the apartments until now which only helped illustrate my detachment from the process.

Discovering the challenges of downsizing

I returned home to my 4 bedroom house, armed with the floor plan to the 1 bedroom apartment I would be moving to. Although I would not be moving my possessions, I wanted to experience the process first hand. I methodically went through each room and created an inventory of the possessions in our house. I would only be able to take about 13 items of furniture, which would mean I needed to figure out what to do with the hundreds of items that wouldn’t be going with me. The first lesson I learned was that I have a lot of “stuff”! However, the items I would be taking with me are the items that get used on a daily basis. Many times people comment about how small senior living apartments might be, I feel the problem is that we may be living too “large”. The second lesson I learned was how attached I am to seemingly impractical possessions. I learned how this connection is tied to the memories associated with those possessions. My solution is to take photos and video of these items and preserve their memories!

Move-in day!

Even though had plenty of time to mentally prepare for this day, I was struck with how exhausting and overwhelming it was to step into an unfamiliar and new environment. Prior to this move most of my “purpose” in life was tied to my family and my job. Now that these were “gone”, I needed to find new purpose. Fortunately the community offered a robust calendar of activities that I could participate in. It made me feel good that I had a place to be and something to do.

My new purpose of participating in activities led me to the best thing about senior living communities, which is the wonderful people that live there. The more people I met, the more stories I heard, the more I learned, and the more I felt part of the community.

The stigma of aging

Let’s face it; the stigma of aging and senior living communities is generally not a positive one. I fully expected that I might walk away from this experience saying something like, “now I know why people don’t want to move to senior living communities.” I am pleased (and a little surprised) that it’s not the case at all. If there is one element that I could improve, it would be to integrate younger able-bodied residents into communities. I saw first-hand the benefits to being part of a community for “people”, not “older people” or “people with disabilities”.

Neighbors that care about each other

I experienced something that I never realized in all of my visits to senior living residences. I saw just how much the residents care about and care for each other. Don’t get me wrong, staff is very important in these communities, but its amazing at how much the residents help each other out whether or not staff is around for assistance or not. 

I was excited to see my family again when I returned home to my “idyllic suburban neighborhood”. However, I was struck with how lonely and isolated I felt. I had been living in a neighborhood where I had close proximity to things I needed, most importantly easy access to interesting neighbors that truly cared about each other. I guess I expected to find some flaws in retirement living with my project, but I think I found more flaws in the modern suburban neighborhood and the way I am living my life right now.

I have lots more lessons and insights that I gained from this experience, I was able to synthesize my thoughts about the experience into what I call the 8 Ps of making a transition. These include: Perspective, Purpose, People, Positive Attitude, Pricing, Possessions, Proximity and Power

Today was another fantastic day, I think I mentioned that I weighed in here at 203 (thats about 15 lbs more than I should be), I just weighed myself and I only gained 2 lbs. It’s surprising to me because I have been eating enough for a small family at lunch and dinner!

I think I owe some thanks to the resident athlete at Paul Springs, after lunch we walked a mile together and then I met him at 3:30 for a treadmill workout! In between I participated in a Wii Fitness with some other residents!

Today I took advantage of the beauty/barber shop being open and got my ears lowered!

Tonight we went to see the Army Band play at Ft. Meyers - it was a wonderful end to my last evening here a Paul Spring. Its really bittersweet thinking about leaving just as I truly feel that I have become part of this community.

This week has definately been one I will never forget. As I mention in this video - my blog entries and videos have been written and recorded in the moment. I am really looking forward to the opportunity to reflect on this experience. I will try to answer all the great questions everyone has been emailing in the near future - so keep checking back this ride is definately not over!

To find out why, you need to watch the video below!

And now for what I did today:

• Slept till 9


• Got a cup of coffee


• Hung out with neighbors in the lounge


• Bus ride to National American History Museum click here to read that post


• Lunch at the Museum


• Bus ride home


• Went to a video presentation in the theatre on The Vatican


• Walked on the trail around the community, chatted with of few others doing the same


• Had a conference in my apartment with the executive director on my transition (standard for all residents)


• Dinner


• Chatted in the lounge with some residents and family members


• Bingo

The man needs rest!

Dale Carter asked a good question in the comments section on dining, meals and entertainment. Click here to view Below I am answering her specific questions:

How do you enjoy mealtime? Can you write a bit on that? How do you decide where you’ll sit and with whom?

I like mealtime, but I have some nervous energy each time I go down to a meal. This community and most communities are sensitive to the fact that it can be a somewhat unnerving experience for a new resident. My first few meals I was “invited” to have dinner with different residents who have volunteered to help transition new residents.

In this community there is no “formal” assigned seating, but residents and staff will tell you that many people have their “seats”. Several residents shared with me that it’s kind of like “high school” in the dining room.

Although dining services offered to continue matching me up with dining buddies, I have decided to strike out on my own at each meal. Obviously, I am using this as an opportunity to get to know people better. If this was my permanent residence, my feeling is I would be more methodical and less cavelier in my approach. I can certainly see how eventually my musical chair approach to meals might end, and I could slide into a “group” and a “seat”. I can see how I would I would want to have a regular predictible schedule like I do now with my wife and kids. Don’t forget, I could also eat in my apartment which many residents choose to do.  The topic of meals, seating and transition is very important to this journey. This is definitely an aspect that I will need to reflect on for some time. I hope to share some interesting thoughts on this in the future.

Here is a picture of tonight at dinner, there are two seatings every evening:

What is the food like?

Well, I weighed in officially at 203 pounds on Monday in the nurses office and my feeling is that I have put on at least 5 pounds! (I will give you an official weight before I leave) I don’t have any complaints about the food, but even if I did I wouldn’t say anything – I am trying really hard be objective and to focus on the emotional experience of the transition.

Mealtimes seem to be an important part of the day.

I feel that mealtimes are an important part of our day no matter what age we are. When I am at “home”, I eat most of my meals with my wife and two kids or if they are out I eat by myself. Mealtimes are a chance to catch up, chat, and get valuable nutrition.

In my new home there are many more variables of who I will eat with and where I will take my meal. It really comes back to being creative and flexible and making this part of my life that fits my “purpose”.

Also, if they have any musical or live presentations there, please try to attend and tell us about those.

So far I have only caught the tail end of a piano performance. The piano player was a volunteer who performs a few times a month. Several of the residents like to play an informal game of “Name That Tune” with the performance. After the performance one of the residents asked him if he played at other retirement communities and if they played the same game. That question showed me curiousity of what is life like at other communities like this one. The songs were from the 20s - 50s, I didnt know any of the tunes but he was a great performer!

We just returned from the National Museum of American History today, and I wanted to write a post while the experience was fresh in my mind. As promised I have a few photos of our gang. Here is a photo of everyone at lunch.

After we arrived at the museum we agreed to meet in the lobby at 11:30, we could do whatever we wanted; all of us were interested to see the Star Spangled Banner exhibit 

The exhibit is fantastic; I did something that I have never done in a museum before … I took my time. I read every single word and I took the time to reflect on the tremendous history that was in front of me. In fact, I went so slow that when I finished there was only me and one other member of our group – lets call her “Mary”.

Mary was interested in the Lincoln exhibit, so we headed there next. Again, I took my time, Mary was full of facts which only enhanced my experience. It took us over 30 minutes to get through the exhibit. I guarantee I would have done it in half that time in my “previous life”.

With Lincoln on our mind, we decided to hit the Civil War exhibit, which I could have lingered longer but we had to meet the rest of our group.

In all my years of visiting DC museums, I have never made a trip downtown to look at only three exhibits in one museum. I always wanted to try and cover as much square footage as possible! It was a fantastic feeling, and yet another life lesson I have learned from my time here.

Back on the bus to head for home!

I was reminded of something else today

When you read the news these days it really seems like the sky is falling. The exhibits I went to today reminded me that our country has overcome much worst challenges. If you think that leaders of today have challenges, just dust off your history book and read about President Lincoln’s terms in office. Better yet, head down to the Museum of American History and take in an exhibit!

I did quick review of all my postings on this blog this morning. I can see if I was in your shoes as a reader I might want to see more of the community and maybe pictures or video of me with the residents. I would love to provide that because I see the power in that content to this "story". However, I hope you all appreciate that the moment I start "interviewing" my neighbors or asking them if I can get them on video that it will dramatically change my position in the community. So, I hope you see value in me simply sharing my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Today we are taking a trip to the Museum of American History, I am bringing my camera, perhaps I can give you a different glimpse of my journey.

Thanks for following me!

Here is what I did today, including a much more refreshed end of day video!

• Men’s breakfast


• Visited with neighbors in the lounge


• Attended a Sittercise Class


• Met with the recreation assistant for the new resident orientation


• Met with the director of rehab to introduce me to the rehab program


• Lunch


• Chatted with neighbors in the lounge


• Bus trip to Beacon Mall


• Listened to a volunteer playing the Piano


• Word games in activity room


• Unwind in my apartment – posted on the blog


• Meeting with director of dining services to explain services dining protocols


• Dinner

Whew! Another day done!

"David" asked some great questions on last nights entry. Click here

I figured I would share my thoughts on these with everyone - keep the questions and comments coming!

I’m wondering, how do you see your neighbors building community and keeping a strong sense of purpose on a daily basis?

The main way that neighbors keep a sense of purpose in the community/neighborhood is by helping each other. There are countless acts throughout the day at every turn. Yesterday at the new resident reception one of my neighbors was complaining that she couldn’t balance her checkbook. Another neighbor said that she had just balanced hers and she would be glad to help her. They met today at 10 a.m. to tackle it together. While I see this type of activitity frequently, I can see that everyone is very respectful of each others privacy and some residents might be to "proud" to accept help from others. There is probably a lot more of this that could be done if residents were more outspoken with each other.

Many of the residents create a sense of purpose through projects and activities. One of my neighbors has done extensive research on his family’s genealogy, and now he is involved with a project of cataloging a CD and DVD collection. He stated that he always needs a project to be involved with.

Sometimes the purpose can be a “job” that benefits the entire community. One resident who has a passion for movies and theatre selects and screens all the weekly movies for movie night. You can see how important the job is to him when he speaks about it.

I have been trying to participate in as many activities as possible, and the staff always engages the residents to assist whenever possible as opposed to simply serving them. Most of the time they don’t have to ask for help, there are 2 or 3 residents that see something needs to be done and they take care of it.

Are you surprised by any of these things?

Maybe a little bit. However I have been in so many communities as a visitor and published so many stories about community residents, I know this exists in most communities. I can’t emphasize enough is how different it is to view this from my new perspective as a resident. I feel a real sense of pride that one of my “team” members is stepping up to the plate to help another. It’s contagious and you can see how it inspires others to do the same.

Also, at the end of Day 2, have you experienced any unexpected surprises about your sense of purpose in your new neighborhood?

Many of my neighbors have shared their frustration with me that they used to be able to “do it all”, but now they can’t “do it all” anymore. I have learned that we need to be flexible and creative in defining our “purpose” throughout our life stages. My sense of purpose last week was primarily my work and family, now I would like to be viewed as a contributing member of this neighborhood. I might be able to draw on skills from my past, but it might be something vastly different.

I see tremendous wisdom and personality in this neighborhood. Every activity and conversation I have participated in usually has some interesting nugget of information or a history lesson from someone who actually was “there”.  I know there is a way to harness this wisdom and share it with my peers and my children’s peers.

I think communities like this one do a great job of promoting intergenerational activities, but I think that if we really think outside the box we can better educate youth and provide my neighbors with an option to have more “purpose”. 

I can honestly say that I feel like a resident of this community today. I was worried before I started this that I might feel more like a staff member or visitor, but that is not the case. I am not getting any special treatment from staff that other residents are not getting – that is very transparent in group activities I am participating in. Best of all, I feel that the residents are treating me the same way that they treat each other. They are interested in my background and why I am here, but they do the same for all new residents and visitors.

Today, when I shared with my new neighbors how exhausted I was at the end of my first day – they all seemed to reflect on their first day or week in the community and agreed that it was exhausting. Everyone’s transition into this community is a little different (including mine), but it’s a common bond that we share. I feel that this bond has helped put me in the position of a resident and not an outsider. Several times today residents have introduced me to a volunteer or a family member who is not aware of my project. They will say something like, “This is Steve, and he is living here”. The look on the person’s face I am introduced to is priceless!

Before I begin Day 2 I figured I should get some additional thoughts down on day 1. I am sure I will have more on these topics later.

Things that happen when you are out of your element - When it comes to remembering peoples names I have heard all the tricks like rhyme someone’s name with something memorable. However, today I forgot EVERYONES name as soon as I learned it! Thank goodness that the staff and some of the residents where name tags. One of the first residents I met (sorry I forgot her name), shared that there are so many women named “Mary” in the community that you have a 50/50 chance of getting it right with the ladies! It was good advice and she was right!

My apartment is on the second floor and I realize now that I should have dropped some breadcrumbs.

When I am not in a familiar element its interesting how it effects me!

Getting on a schedule – I am embarking on this journey without a cell phone, email, and a pile of work at my side which would be distractions. When we entered my apartment I was struck with the thought, “what am I going to do today?”  Thankfully, Barbara told me that after I unpacked I had an appointment with the nurse for my health screening; she also gave me the activities calendar and thought I might want to participate in the video bowling activity at 10:30. After that I would have lunch at noon with Dr. and Mrs. Carroll. This would be followed by “trivia” at 1:30 and a reception for new residents at 2:30.

I was relieved to have something to do and a place to go where people “needed” me (ok, maybe expected me?) It really gives perspective on how important having a “purpose” in life is to my self esteem. In my new home I need to examine my priorities and redefine my purpose based on the structure of this community.

No Cell Phone? Speaking of purpose, it’s interesting the purpose that my cell phone provides. I probably reached for my cell phone on my belt at least a dozen times in the first hour. When I was drinking a cup of coffee I wanted it. When I was walking to the elevator I wanted it. When I was waiting for the nurse I wanted it. If I had my cell phone with me here I have no doubt I would have been emailing throughout all my activities.

I am really glad I didn’t take that piece of technology with me, not having it has allowed me to really focus on having conversations with my new neighbors and participate fully in this experience. I know that cell phones are a danger to our lives when driving – in my case my cell phone is clearly a danger in the way I am living life. Time for a change there!

 

I figure some of you might want to know exactly what I did on my first day. Here is an overview:

• Arrived


• Met key staff and neighbors


• Moved into my apartment and unpacked


• Met more neighbors


• Met with the nurse for a health screening and TB test


• Met more neighbors


• Played Wii bowling video game with neighbors


• Met with the activities director


• Ate lunch and met more neighbors


• Took a walk outside and met more neighbors


• Played a trivia game with my neighbors


• Attended a new resident reception and met more neighbors


• Played pool with my neighbor


• Walked back to my apartment and met another neighbor


• Went to dinner with my neighbors


• Played bingo with my neighbors

Went back to my apartment to reflect on a pretty good day!

One thing to note, I am intentionally trying to participate in everything I can while I am here to meet my neighbors! Mission accomplished after day one. Now I need to focus on remembering everyones names!

I write this post completely wiped out after my first full day in the retirement community.

Since this is the first time I have lived in a retirement community, I think it might be better to compare it to something I have experience with … a neighborhood. I have been living in neighborhoods my entire life, and one thing I will tell you if this "retirement community" is a neighborhood - I like it. 

What makes a good neighborhood? I don’t necessarily think it has much to do with the traditional barometers like property values, crime rates or the SAT scores of the local high school. I think it boils down to having good neighbors!

I have met plenty of good neighbors here today. Neighbors that really look out for each other.  Neighbors that made me laugh. Neighbors that invited me to come by for a "visit" after a brief conversation. In my opinion, a person’s age and ability has very little to do with them being a good neighbor.

Well I have a million more thoughts, but I am bleary eyed and I need sleep! I have to be at the mens club breakfast tomarrow at 8 a.m.!

Here’s an end of day video.

When journalist George Plimpton suited up to play football for the Detroit Lions in his renowned book, Paper Lion, he gave sports fans a perspective on what it feels like to be a professional athlete that couldn’t be communicated through traditional reporting or locker room interviews. 

George would never make a living as a professional football player. However, someday I hope to be an ‘elder.’ It’s a tremendous privilege to get to experience in advance a small glimpse of the lifestyle that I might someday be living. 

Before I started this project, I truly considered myself the equivalent to a ‘professional athlete’ in the field of aging. I realize now in many ways, I was just sitting on the sidelines watching the game. I wasn’t a typical ‘fan,’ I feel as though my passion for the profession got me into the ‘locker room’ more than a few times.

However, on my first day as a resident at Paul Spring I feel like I am now on the field playing the game. Just like George Plimpton, I am not an authentic professional athlete, but I am doing my best to respect the position of elders, keep my eyes wide open, and experience feelings and emotions first hand.

Just like George, I expect to get sacked more than a few times. I am already seeing my previous vision of the world being altered by this vantage point!

I had a quick break in my very fullfilling first day and I wanted to make sure I could post on the blog - I will put up some video and other thoughts from my first day this evening, gotta run to dinner!